


Brave on like the stars

by TheOrangeAurora



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Friends to Lovers, I'm Sorry, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, Tragic Romance, filmmaker!phil, idk how to tag this, it's just sad, unedited, writer!Dan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-01
Updated: 2017-07-01
Packaged: 2018-11-21 21:58:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11366457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheOrangeAurora/pseuds/TheOrangeAurora
Summary: How cruelly beautiful is the universe. Through childhood, two children, into the adulthood, a single man with a torn heart.





	Brave on like the stars

**Author's Note:**

> THIS IS UNEDITED WORK. Mostly because I actually cried while writing this and I couldn't bear going back to edit it. I'm sorry, maybe I will edit someday. 
> 
> I have no excuse for writing this.

“Phiiiiiiiilllll,” The child's voice yelled as the little boy, still stumbling over his feet a little, ran across the room and jumped onto the older boy who fell back with the weight of another body colliding with his. They tumbled, laughing, on the ground, and the two mothers looked at them fondly as the two-year-old Dan pressed a sloppy kiss on six-year-old Phil's cheek only causing Phil to flail.

“I love you, Phil!” Dan announced, the voice high and happy and he squealed when the older boy pulled him in for a hug before starting to tickle the younger boy.

The happiness was all around them, and they remained sunny.

======

“Did you know that stars are really really, really far away?” Phil asked and there was a wonder in Dan's dark eyes as they looked up at the rare clear sky through Phil's bedroom window.

“But they look so close, almost as if,” Dan went on his tiptoes, reaching a hand up, touching the window pane “I could touch them, if I was tall enough.”

“No, they are very far away!” Phil spoke, the equal shine in nine-year-old's eyes, his arms reaching out to help Dan onto the table where the younger boy leaned against the closed window. “They are further away than London!” 

That made Dan giggle “Silly, even my grandmama lives further than that!”

Phil laughed to that, leaning on his elbows against the table and rested his chin in open palms while looking up on the faint twinkles in the sky.

======

“Hey honey, how was school?” His mother, soft as ever, asked when Dan dropped his bag next to the kitchen counter and pulled himself onto the seat.

“Phil doesn't talk to me,” Tears welled up in his eyes, though he squirmed trying to keep them from falling.

“Oh, Bear, I'm sure he was just busy,” His mum, wrapping her arms around the ten-year-old, hugged him close and assured. 

Dan just sniffled in her apron.

======

“Hey nerd, what are you scribbling there again,” A shadows of a guy much taller than him hovered over Dan and he hunched over his notebook, trying to hide the words scratched on it in Dan's poor handwriting. He didn't want to let the bullies close to his work again, and he was just hoping that one of the teachers would step in to stop them from stealing his work again.

“Come on, don't tell me you've become a mute now, too,” He felt a shove, and was about to jump up and leave when someone grabbed his notebook, trying to pry it out of his grasp.

“That's mine!” He tried to sound angry but there were tears lining his voice and it only made the bully and the nearby friends laugh.

“Oi, leave him be, Gee,” A familiar, pleasant baritone, voice suddenly interrupted and instantly the laughter died down and Dan used the chance to pull the notebook out of Gee's hands, quickly stuffing it into his backpack that he then held close to his chest. 

A familiar boy, much taller now than Dan, walked up to them, interrupting the circle of people that were trapping Dan to the cafeteria seat. Even more familiar hand settled on Dan's shoulder and he dared to look up through the long gangs of hair covering his face.

Phil was so tall, so grown up and so much more menacing than the rest, considering his height. Though he was quite scrawny while at it, there was enough authority in that stance to shoo away the offenders. “Forgot he was your bitch, Lester,” One of them sneered while leaving and Dan felt the grip on his shoulder tighten almost enough to hurt, but he bit his lip to not cry out.

“Are you alright?” Phil turned to him, when the bullies had disappeared from their sight, and Dan nodded, head hung low, avoiding to look the older boy in the eyes.

“Hey, come on, look at me,” Prompted by the words Dan looked up and was struck by that soft, wide smile that Phil was regarding him with. 

“I'll make sure they don't bother you anymore, alright?” 

He nodded.

Phil was so grown up, and so cooler, yet took time to look out for Dan, and it was quietly to himself that Dan was fearing the next year when Phil will be done with high school and Dan would be left alone.

“You want to come over today?” The offer was unexpected, and Dan blinked at the older boy, full of surprise “Mum's been asking about you, and I got a new documentary on space that I think you would enjoy!''

Everything about Dan wanted to be mean and refuse, to say that he didn't want to accept the pity. Why now after pretty much ignoring him for most of last four years?

Yet, what he found himself saying was the opposite.

“I'd love to.”

======

“This is amazing, Dan!” The exclamation made Dan flush a bright red and he looked away from the boy seated across him at the cafe. 

“If you finish this, you could easily get published!” Phil went on and Dan brought the cup of coffee up to his face, partially to take a sip and partially to hide the beetroot redness of his cheeks.

“It's not that good...” He tried to interject but nearly spilled his coffee when Phil reached out to hold his hand up, halting Dan from speaking.

“I'm studying English and none of the works of anyone there have been as rich and vivid as yours. I mean it, finish this and you'll be swooped up by the best of publishers in no time!” And when Dan looked into those determined blue eyes, he believed it.

======

“Congratulations!!!” Dan grinned widely at his excited friend and threw his arms around Phil in return when the taller boy pulled him into an embrace.

“It's just high school, you spork, not that big of an achievement,” He was laughing but gladly leaned in when he felt his body squeezed gently in the hug. He pressed his face against Phil's shoulder and inhaled. The familiarity filled him with warmth and he only grinned more widely when they parted, Phil's hands still on Dan's shoulders.

“I hope you don't have any plans tonight,” Phil announced, but there was a questioning quality in the words and Dan just rolled his eyes at him.

“Yeah, like I'm the one to crave partying with my graduation class, getting wasted soooooo much.” 

“Come on, Dan, this is the last time you'll see them all, I just want to make sure that I'm not taking that away from you,” It was so sincere that Dan's heart melted a little and any sarcasm that had formed on his lips vanished like cotton candy.

“What do I tell my parents, when should they expect me home?”

The way Phil grinned made Dan the happiest person even in the crowd of cheers. 

======

“Can you believe that the universe is so huge?” Phil asked, his voice hushed as the two of them sat, pressed up close to each other under the blanket as they sat on the hood of the old car that Phil drove. The sky was clear for once, again, and so they settled in the small parking lot. Only the remains of a small bonfire were left, only stars and the crescent of the moon lighting up their world.

“We're so insignificant in the whole of the universe,” Dan murmured back, leaning his head on Phil's shoulder.

“But that's the brilliance of it, we brave on and achieve, though there's only so much that we can touch with our actions. Just look at our sun, it's so small in the grand scheme of things but it's given us the chance to live,” Phil's voice, though hushed was full of excitement and Dan closed his eyes, listening to it, allowing the pleasant timbre to run through the entirety of his being. Absentmindedly he reached out for Phil's hand and his heart was in flight when their fingers entwined in a perfect match.

“It's so beautiful,“ His lips formed the words, a realisation that they had been born through the vision of Phil and settled in Dan's soul “We exist, despite the odds and the meaninglessness.” 

“It's beautiful,” Phil mirrored, and Dan felt a thumb run over his knuckles gently “To be able to exist at the same time.”

Silence settled between the two and Dan felt the little shift of the other man as if it was his own.

He felt eyes on himself, but didn't dare to open his, afraid that it would pull him out of the beauty of the moment. 

“Dan,” It was spoken as softly as the most tender silk and he looked up finally, their eyes meeting. There was a question in Phil's and an answer in Dan's, and their hearts beat joyously when Phil leaned in, their lips brushing together lightly. It was a silent moment, and Dan let it sink in before leaning in again, warmth of mouths mixing together and breaths short and needy.

When they finally pulled apart, Dan leaned his head back on Phil's shoulder 

Their fingers remained entwined comfortably.

======

“So tell us, what inspired you to write “Orion Nebula” series?” The interviewer questioned, while patting the back of Dan's third and final book of the series.

He leaned in to the microphone, the big headphones on his head bulky but he found comfort in the closed space interview at the radio; he'd never enjoyed the ones where he got filmed. He never knew what to do with his hands and would constantly fidget. Here, he was just a voice and he knew how to be a pleasant spokesperson “I have to give all the credit to my fiance, Phil, who has always encouraged me to keep writing and,” He looked down at his hand, where the engagement ring was shining shamelessly on his finger “Who has always nurtured my interest in the cosmos.”

“I heard about the engagement, congratulations,” The interviewer added and Dan nodded, a soft thank you returned.

“Now when can we expect the film adaptation of the series, I've heard that several studios have been interested in taking on the project.”

“Well...”

======

“He's in the hospital, Dan,” His heart was beating hard and his whole body felt numb, as he looked at his mother, but every word that came from her mouth felt like a foreign language “He got into an accident, and it doesn't look good.''

He swallowed and numbly brought the phone out of his pocket. He wanted to text Phil but after opening the conversation, he was left staring at the last few messages, where a simple ''good luck!'' remained as the last thing he'd received.

“Bring me to him?” Finally, he turned to his mum, and she nodded, her eyes red-rimmed but more than anything concerned by the peace that Dan was displaying.

======

“Forasmuch as it hath pleased Almighty God of his great mercy to take unto himself the soul of our dear brother here departed, we therefore commit his body to the ground; earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust--” The prayer continued but Dan could barely hear it. 

His eyes were locked onto the casket as it was slowly covered in dirt, and with the body of his love, his heart was buried, too. 

The accident had been fatal. It was in mere hours that the hope had been reduced to dust, blown away by the wind and departed with the soul of the one and only. 

His hand shook as he released the handful of dark soil and the rattle against the wood were like tiny stabs to his torn heart. They fell, grain by grain, as needles against the bleeding wound, and with every each of them, his throat would close up more and more till it hurt too much to swallow and the tears silently fell from his eyes, no end to the currents.

“Farewell, my love,” He wanted to say, but the words never rolled off his lips, for he still wasn't willing to let him go. It was too soon, and it was not fair. He wanted to scream, and burrow under the soil as well.

He felt hands of his mother on his shoulders when he slunk down to his knees at the foot of the fresh grave. 

======

“This is darker than your older series, but it s good,” His editor assured him and Dan merely nodded, sitting across the woman at her office, looking down at the manuscript of his newest book. It had taken a long time, far too long, in fact, but it was done and it was as good as he could make it. 

Everything he had felt was poured into the pages, his blood pitch black ink and the roughness of the paper his calloused fingertips. 

“I will have to run it by spell check and here are some notes of revision,” Dan accepted the printed manuscript, idly beginning to leave through it to see the red markings and the woman kept going on about how it could be published within a month if they would find satisfactory publishing contract quickly.

“Look at that, fourth book, isn't that wonderful,” He mumbled to himself when he returned home, and dropped the manuscript onto the table, the force scattering the notes that had been piled on the edge of the table, some of the papers falling onto the ground while others settled on the keyboard of his computer.

He paid them no mind.

A house was not a home, and though he was surrounded by everything one would want, he felt homeless and naked, thrown into the world mercilessly. A laughing stock of pity, a broken soul leaking through the cracks.

“Chinese food sounds nice,” He continued on talking, grabbing the menu advertisement from the coffee table and browsing it as he sat on the right side of the sofa, where the crease had become more prominent as the moths had bled into a year and more. Yet he never touched onto the left side. It was not his side, and though it was just him alone who owned the apartment, he felt the dual ownership still reigning over the place.

He didn't want it any other way.

“Isn't that strange that I can't seem to move on?” He asked to the empty space besides him as he flipped through the channels, nothing catching his attention “How is it that we're built to such insignificance yet we leave such huge marks still?”

With frustration of nothing interesting on, he dropped the remote, leaving a random tv show playing in the background as he picked up the food when it arrived. The two boxes stood on his counter and he looked down at them for a silent moment before grabbing one and leaving the other behind. 

“I think you really would have liked this,” Dan eyed the manuscript across the room, sticking food into his mouth in between his words, his gaze absent, but if he tried hard enough, it felt like maybe he would hear him again. That maybe that calming baritone will suddenly ring in his ears and wake him up from life.

That maybe he would be released early too, so he could fulfil the promised forever finally.

======

“I know it's here,” He pushed the books around in the shelf, frustration building up in his chest cavity, as the year had bled into two, and third was coming around. 

The sofa crease had grown. The fifth book freshly printed and placed next to the other four on his table was a reminder of the passing time. The clutter grew, but there were some things he never intended to get rid of.

“Where the hell did you put it?!” Dan cussed at himself, angling his body to reach behind the busy line of books to search for his old notebook.

“Huh?” His fingers touched a mushed, worn out back of a book, and curiosity got the best of him. Carefully, he pulled it out.

The paperback was worn, well-loved with how many times it had been read. The pages smelled of dust now, and had begun yellowing more, the little nicks and folds giving it years that it didn't truly have yet.

Gently, he ran the fingers over it. 

It was the first release of his first book. And it was one of Phil's most treasured items. Dan remembered finding Phil with his nose buried into it over and over again and every time Dan would blush, and tell him off, mention how there's another part and how the first book was a lot more terribly written than the others.

Phil had always looked up with a bright smile and that same lively excitement as ever “I want to know it by heart, so when I make a movie of it, it's perfect!” 

Film production had become Phil's passion, and so many dreams had been formed around it. 

Dreams that never came to be.

Dreams that Dan had tried to keep alive and Phil's private, when he had turned down every offer of producing a film adaptation to Orion Nebula. 

Slowly, Dan opened up the cover of the book, not sure what he wanted to find in it, and briefly seeing his own cheesy handwritten thank you note to Phil before a small envelope fell out from between the pages, landing next to Dan's feet.

He looked down at it, the blank envelope not disclosing its contents to him. It laid there, inviting him to pick it up.

Slowly, he kneeled, and picked it up, the book closed and stuffed under his arm as he looked at it for a while, his heart racing and fingers trembling as he turned it around. A single folded piece of paper was peeking out from it and for a moment he wanted to stick the envelope back into the book and hide it forever.

Yet, he allowed his fingers to reach out and tug out the paper. It was fine, like written for something special, and when Dan finally unfolded it, he gasped and sat down.

The messy handwriting was familiar still, and the way there was so much effort put into it made him remember the times Phil would sit just in this same room, hunched over his own idea notebooks, trying to figure out the best way to adapt a story into film. 

_“Dan,_

_I never thought that this day would come that I would truly be allowed to call you mine. Through years that passed, so many mistakes were made and at times I thought you were lost for me forever._

_Yet here we stand, and you are mine just as much I am yours._

_How rare and beautiful this alignment of the world is. How the universe has given me my existence at the same time with your own. How it may mean we will spend long nights just eating Chinese food and watching silly shows. How I get to see you create the most wondrous things in your stories. How you let me kiss you in the mornings though you are still grumpy with sleep._

_How I have given the chance to love you through the rest of my lifeline._

_I promise you, not just with this ring, but with every fibre of my being to love you till my last breath, and though our scepticism of afterlife is real, I know that the stardust we are made of will for the eternity be drawn to yours. I will forever be by your side even when it seems like I am not and I will love you beyond the existence of this eternity._

_I know you don't like getting cheesy, and you know I dislike it as well, but just this once, let me express my deepest fondness for everything that makes you._

_The sloppy kisses that I've been blessed to be on the receiving end of._

_The messy curly hair when you really get into your work, when your beautiful mind is racing._

_The lithe fingers that bring words into the existence._

_That foul mouth that will find the most sarcastic comments yet I'll always know the true meaning behind them._

_Those beautiful brown eyes in which I seek the love and wonder and always find it._

_Your heart that beats in the rhythm of my own, and even if life is short and I may be gone soon, it will brave on like the stars themselves in the vast unknown._

_Your soul that will expand with the lives you create and those you'll save, because to write miracles is to save so many._

_Your being, that I will be forever thankful for, because I would not be who I am without you._

_Daniel Howell, thank you for granting me this time with you, and know I'll cherish you forever._

_I love you.”_

A wet droplet landed on the paper and Dan quickly wiped it away, afraid that the salty tears would eat away the ink. 

To brave on like the stars in the universe. He had promised to do that so many times, but never had thought about the time closing in so quickly that he would have to fulfil his promise. 

“I love you too, Phil,” He murmured as he looked down at the wedding vows through bleary eyes.

A dull star, he was, but he had promised. 

And to continue on he would.


End file.
